(This is going to get REAL, just to warn you)

I have a stronghold of fear in my heart that I’m aiming to beat the tar out of.

Yes, you read correctly.

This stronghold, I suspect has been the cause of many of my issues, and the older I get, the more annoying it seems to become.

The buck stops here, buster!

After talking to a friend about my dilemmas this evening, he pinpointed the real issue.  My issue isn’t about making progress and being effective, it’s about fear.  Fear of screwing up, fear of running around in circles, fear about not being where I want to be, fear of being hated and despised, fear of being a complete and utter failure, and fear that the Lord doesn’t quantify my wants and my desires, making all the work I’ve done so far moot.

…and next we’ll be talking about existentialism.  No, we won’t.

The embittered battle that has been broiling in my consciousness is if focusing my wants and desires on being close to the Lord will whitewash my own dreams, goals, and desires for my life, thereby completely nullifying my own personality to become a member of the borg. (Apologies for the star trek reference)  I’m afraid of losing me.

Worse off, this subject makes me angry.  I mean, unnaturally angry, and I’m well aware that this has become my own speed bump and possibly the thing that’s been looming in my subconscious, to hold on to my individualism, because it’s taken so long to finally accept myself that I’m now finding myself being told to surrender my wants and desires to God.

It makes me want to beat the whole topic like a pinata.

I once heard of two acronyms for fear:

False Exaggerations Altering Reality

or

Fuck Everything And Run

Both appropriate and within the spirit of the whole idea of fear.  It’s a behavior mechanism that is supposed to react when we feel threatened, but the question is “why am I feeling threatened”?  Is my life in danger?  I don’t think so.  Is my well-being in danger?  No.  Then what?  The question that just popped into my head I think sums it best:

Would really letting go of how I define me, by my goals, wants, and desires, and refocusing them on God really whitewash my personality?  Would it change me into someone I don’t want to be or would it finally break away the confusion and maybe make things clearer?  Why not go for it, because what I’ve been doing thus far hasn’t really been working.

I’m now reminded of a comment I once made about fear:

Know no fear, for it is the demon you drew with the crayon in your hand.

It’s about time I put my own words into actions.

————–

Talking about putting words into actions, I did what I said that I’d do and called my folks.  My father got into another tiff, which is becoming annoyingly more common than I care to experience.  It was over a minor discussion about music and preconceived notions.  I’ll continue to pray for him.

My mother’s phone was off, so I never got a chance to talk to her.  Most likely she’ll call me back tomorrow.

Spoke with one of my aunts who suggested I speak to my father about saving money.  I told her if I couldn’t convince him to save money, then I’d have to show him by example.  I told her of my plan and she said it was the right choice.  In the meantime, she suggested I not speak to him about it for a while.

Otherwise my day was spent singing at church, exercising, doing some research, and here I am.  I refuse to place any level of difficulty on what I’m going through or will go through.  Sine or cosine, fact is waves happen, you can either avoid it, allow it to beat on you until you break, or you can use the kinetic energy on the turnaround to come back and break down barriers.  Your choice.