When someone generally asks me “how are you doing”?  I tend to not know how to answer.  It’s not like nothing is happening, because life tends to feel like I’m racing from one end to another, however when I stop to look at where I’m at, I don’t really see myself anywhere.

Ok, that’s not completely true.  Last year I did make a significant change when I gave my life to Christ, and life has changed a lot in some respects, however not much in the other areas.  It’s quiet a shock when within two weeks after your birthday, I come to realize “I’m in a hamster wheel and I want off”.

So last night I went to this women’s event that was sponsored by my church.  The guest speaker was a woman that was close to 10 years my junior and was living a far happier life than I.  Her life was definitely far more balanced, that’s for sure.  Sometimes I feel like I’m Jane in a Tarzan flick, swinging from one end of the jungle to the other without a safety net.  I went there looking for answers, maybe a quick fix, but what I got was a confirmation.  The one thing that really stuck out from all the things she said was “You just have to do it and become the expert you want to be.” Forget about the critics and be consistent in your work and exposure.  Very much a “fake it til you make it” approach.  For a while, I heard the same thing over and over again replay in my life, but I was taught to have at least one foot on the ground.  The problem with having one foot always on the ground is you never learn how to fly, no matter how long you crane your neck up.

I prayed about it, fought some personal demons, wondered about it, and prayed some more, when finally this word showed up “The Lord will never give you a task without preparing the tools before you to make it happen”, which reminded me of 1 Corinthians 10:13 (He will never give you more than you can handle).  Regardless, I took it as a personal sign to stop keeping one foot on the ground and start taking leaps.

Although I’ve been told I should tackle one thing at a time, there are a few things I need to confront.  I’m about to get really transparent, because I want to be as real with you as possible. These are the things I want to work on.

1. Getting my finances in order – After speaking to one of my aunts last week, I’ve come to realize that, like my father, I’ve relied far too much on something outside of myself happening to get me to where I want to be.  This includes my finances, which are nowhere close to where I’d like them to be.  This became a lot more evident when the conversation became about my father and how he was already at retirement age, yet not financially sound enough to actually retire.  Although my father scoffs at the idea of retirement, his health hasn’t, and at some point, he’s going to have to settle down.  Although there’s no amount of pleading about savings, he’s so convinced that his 401K and social security would be enough that it’s blinded him.  Obviously this scares me.  Being his only daughter and him being so far away, there’s very little I am capable of as of right now.  So I want to get my finances in order to help my father, however that manifests itself.
2. Getting my health in order – In the last few months, I’ve become friends with a woman who is suffering from stage 4 breast cancer, which has metastasized to her lungs.  This is her third bout with cancer and she’s only a few months older than I.  There’s nothing as eye opening as visiting your friend in the cancer ward of a hospital and realizing how much of a blessing it is to be able to take a breath without the fear of spitting up blood int he process.  Because of my friend’s journey, and because of some alarming realizations about myself, I’ve decided to seriously get my health in order, but not only that, but my view of what I considered healthy.  When your mind looks at a 100 pound, soaking wet cancer patient and think “that’s a good size to be”, you know something is horribly wrong.
3. Get my career in order – All I want to say is, I wish I were farther along than I am, but I have to admit, it’s very much my own fault.  I got caught up in surviving and living on the values of others, that I forgot myself in the process.  I really have no one to blame but me, but I do not intend on giving up.  I’ll figure some kind of game plan and start instituting it.
4. Getting my family life in order – Those of you who have known me for years know that I have never really had the best relationship with my family.  As I’ve become older, I’ve come to realize that holding on to past hurts only damage me, and those who damage others are damaged themselves.  I don’t want to live with old debt in my heart, and I cannot rely on the other end to make the first move.  That’s something I need to take the initiative on.
5. Getting my personal life in order – I don’t know how the in world I’m going to make this happen, but this involves getting my personal relationships, romantic or not, in order.  Because I tend to lose sight on the spinning plates due to that one that’s about to blow up, I get blinded far too easily.  I really need to re-prioritize and take a step back.
6. Getting my head in order – Although I’ve been forever working on this one, I need to take steps of action, rather than continue to theorize.  I always ask the Lord to make me a “living, walking testament to His goodness”, but that involves me walking the walk, not just talking the talk.  This also involves how I see myself and my worth. This also includes gauging short term desires for long term goals and keeping my eyes on the prize.  I sometimes get lost in the right now, forgetting for a moment the end game.
7. Staying right with God – Since becoming a Christian, I’ve continued to walk in my faith, still reading my bible daily, still praying often, and repenting, and still asking questions.  Personally, I think the reason I’m taking on this entire list is because I’m beginning to see the value of me and the need to get myself together, not because the act of it would make God happy, but because He wants me to be happy, and being the way I am presently isn’t making me happy.

Now my tools.  Here’s a short list of things I’m going to be using to achieve these goals.  Mind you, this list will be added to as time progresses.

1. Continue to read my bible daily and make notes whenever possible for myself.
2. Study Dave Ramsey’s methodology and see how I can apply some of his get out of debt solutions to my life. – Hey, he’s done it for others, why shouldn’t I?  This also includes me applying the knowledge to my life.
3. Use this blog more often. – I’ve come to realize that having a documentation of my experience is a good way to see growth, because kind of like when you lose weight and no one notices except someone who hasn’t seen you in a long time, this will be that measuring stick.
4. Use SuperBetter and tailor it to my goals.  – If you don’t know what SuperBetter is, it’s an app that helps you gamify your life.  (gamify is a tech term that means “making your life into a game”, which helps you stay productive)
5. Exercise in new ways that keeps it interesting.
6. Get more sleep – which means “I need to get to bed in the next 15 minutes”
7. Eat better consistently.  Maybe go on another juice fast to reboot my system?
8. Give myself a task that involves my performance career, even if it scares the daylights out of me.
9. Continue to read books like “the 5 love languages” and take notes.  I need to improve my quality of life through my relationships with others too!
10. Use my phone more often to contact my folks.
11. Find a life coach that works well with me, to keep me accountable.
12. Create game plans on how I can make my new steps effective.

Anyway, I’m off to bed.  Goodnight, folks.